By Kassaundra Martinez
July 2019
Having a child is, by far, one of the most amazing experiences a person can have! Whether you give birth or have the remarkable opportunity to choose your child it is truly an unmatched experience! As parents you go through the initial excitement and day dreaming of what it will be like! The hugs, the snuggles, the well known sleepless nights. We dream of spending time with our little ones and answering the endless “whys” about the world. As parents we instinctively want “what’s best for our children” and that “best” for some is to grow up with faith, to be happy and healthy. To go to college, get married, have kids and have an amazing job that they love! We want them to be liked and make friends. Never to end up in the hospital for anything other than a cold. Parents dream big dreams for their children and why wouldn’t we?
And then you become a parent and realize this parenting things isn’t like what you see on TV. While it can be a truly magical experience, it can also be absolutely terrifying. Especially when you hear the words, “your child has something called Autism Spectrum Disorder.” Suddenly your life is flipped upside down and your mind races! The world fades to black and the stages of grief set in.
DENIAL
This can begin even before your child is diagnosed. For us we waited almost a year before seeing a doctor because we convinced ourselves, “all kids do these things” and “all kids develop at different rates, he’ll catch up.” Which is true, all children do develop at different rates but for our little guys they never did and still haven’t “caught up”. Even after we received the diagnosis we still asked ourselves, is this real?
ANGER
The next stage is anger and boy did I feel this in every ounce of my body! I was angry at the world, at God and anyone who had anything to say on the subject. I lost my patience and I felt the need to challenge every idea, suggestion or words of support thrown my way. I am so grateful this stage didn’t last long for us but for many it definitely can be one of the longest stages in this process, and has a tendency to creep back in throughout the journey of special needs parenting. As a parent you have all these dreams for your child and then poof! They are gone in an instant because of the limitations you instinctively see due to the diagnosis. You find yourself asking why him? Why us? Why, why, why!?
BARGAINING
People bargain in many ways. Some argue, others look for a second opinion. Others do both of those things plus add in a little prayer. For us we prayed and prayed some more! Praying for God to heal my child, to help us to make him “normal” so he won’t have as many challenges. Bargaining with the doctors about if this, then that and so on. We would do anything to help our child live what we thought was his best life, and, at the time, that couldn’t possibly include autism.
DEPRESSION
Once the bargaining had subsided depression swooped in to take its place, I would even argue that this is a stage that never truly ends because as humans the ebbs and flows of life bring so many emotions along for the ride. We felt defeated and scared. Sad for our child because the day dreaming and future plans we had were gone and questions quickly replaced them. Will he be able to walk normally? Talk normally? Interact normally? What is normal? Do we even care about normal? Will he be able to laugh and joke with friends? Will he even speak at all or form thoughts of his own? What’s next? What do we do to support him? Will he be able to go to school? Dress himself? Drive a car? Go to college? Get a job? Get married? Oh my goodness will anyone ever love him like we do? Will he be able to show love? Will he have empathy for others? And the list goes on and on into the deep, dark rabbit hole of depression. This is where I spent most of my time the year after our first sons diagnosis. Coping with how to accept this “fate” that was placed, not only on one of my children but upon all three of my precious boys.
ACCEPTANCE!
This. This is my favorite part of this entire process because this is where LIFE BEGINS! After all is said and done you find a sense of peace knowing that this is YOUR child and his fate is yet to be determined. Yes, it’s not what we imagined but once we accepted our new “normal” the living began. Since this moment of acceptance we have learned to appreciate EVERYTHING our children accomplish and celebrate even the smallest victories, because in our world, they are HUGE VICTORIES. When our oldest Noah first answered a question on his own despite the script being provided for months we cried tears of joy! When the twins finally said “momma” after 2 years of anxiously waiting I wept tears of joy for almost an hour. Everyday it seems we get to experience a new victory and that, that makes it all worth it!
Many people have asked me, if I could wish their autism away would I do it. My answer last year would have been yes because I was trying to fit my children into a box that society has created as “normal”. My answer to the same question now is absolutely not! My sons have struggles, yes, but the way they interact with the world is remarkable! They see things I don’t, interact with the world in unique ways and ultimately have reminded me, as a mother, of how beautiful this world is. In many ways making my way through the stages of grief was a means to an end and that end was really the best kind of beginning!
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